In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder

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That they shouldn't be free to rampage through their messy selfish lives destroying or harming pretty much every human being they cross paths with.

And if I think you’re the type, my radar will be more finely tuned to other behaviours I have to look out for.One I'd never have thought of was the kindergarten mum whose husband insisted she stay at the same weight, always weighing herself - coercive control. I genuinely feel better-informed and safer having read this book, because now I know what to look for and know that saying you’re ‘crazy’ is never the right answer. Drawing on disciplines including psychology, sociology and law, she talks to victims, their families and killers, putting together pieces to the puzzle of how these relationships can end in murder and bringing to light the reasons why - for so many of us - there is no such thing as the safety of one's own home. It is, by far, the most useful and insightful resource I’ve ever encountered for not only understanding these circumstances and relationships, but for arming the reader to avoid such an event themselves and to keep them safe. The author isn't trying to express emotions and has made an excellent effort to remove any bias on her behalf.

It has also challenged me to question my own behaviour and that of others around encouraging friends into relationships.It's shocking to realise how easy this is to apply to a relationship you've had, or relationships of your friends.

The best way to describe this book is that if domestic abuse and coercive control had never touched my life, this book would be able to educate me about these patterns. Just yesterday I was reading of a man who stabbed his ex wife and the judge said the Surrey police had to take some responsibility because they had not taken the women's predicament seriously and had made up their minds that the husband wasn't a danger. Stage 4 is the trigger and this is perhaps where it becomes personal, a head of state decides they have an entitlement to something (lebensraum? Reading real life interviews of these families make these women more than statistics and the murderous men who kill them to be seen as controlling rather than the victims.She looks at the progress from the intensity of a new relationship, through coercive control and stalking, then (potentially) to murder or suicide.

Hard to read at times and deals with some shocking statistics, descriptions of abuse, murder etc but NECESSARY. Chapter two explores ‘the commitment whirlwind’, where a controlling person moves things forward with a new partner extremely quickly or with intense persistence. We all do our best to navigate the world as safely as possible, but there are some patterns of behaviour that seemingly defy logic, and an expert’s opinion (such as Monckton Smith’s) is a gold mine of information on how to understand these scenarios. It is not a private matter, and it is not simply a police matter; it is in all our interests to stop giving abusers excuses and justifications for controlling and self-centred patterns. Every woman should be aware of the signs and I wish every police officer was also fully trained in how these relationships work.Breaking down coercive control and domestic behaviour patterns so we can understand, recognise, protect and believe victims. One of the most important books I've ever read and a fascinating insight to the violence against women and girls conversation. I found this book to be extremely validating for victims of coercive control/domestic abuse (both seen and unseen). And that’s how things are very often argued in court, because if you can argue for crime of passion you will probably reduce your charge from murder to manslaughter.