Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

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Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is a no-nonsense self-help guide for anyone who has ever been cheated on. Here's advice not based on saving your relationship after infidelity--but saving your sanity. Tracy, I saw a lot of your observations in this article. RIC still influences these studies as there was some subtle influence of that interspersed in the text. Mine did the same thing. Mediation was a perfectly fine choice for us (CA no-fault law, 50/50 splits, no kids, more or less equal assets going in and coming out), but I’m still going to get an attorney to review the settlement and advise me. I may not even do anything with the advice, but it’s best to have the full picture. When I told him I would be getting an attorney to review the settlement (never mind I already have one on retainer) all of a sudden it was “I thought we were not getting lawyers and I’m being so generous, and if your attorney asks questions well this whole agreement is shot.” Basically like a classic Narc… his way is the way to do things and if I think something different, well I will be punished and put in line. Which is not how negotiation works. There is the law, and then we can negotiate around what the law says. But at the end of the day I can and should make sure my interests are protected. I lost my job shortly after the wedding. Did he comfort me? Nope. In fact 8 years later he listed that as one of the many bad things that happened during our marriage that made it too hard to continue.

humans establish bonds that have multiple advantages and great adaptive value. However, these bonds can and do break. When they do, there is a cost to pay; Archer calls it the cost of commitment, which consists of all the physical and emotional benefits of the bond. Per the adaptive value of these bonds, their severance (in most instances) proves maladaptive. As we have argued, it is likely that a strong negative emotion, such as grief, accompanies maladaptive behavior. Put simply, the greater the loss, the more intense the grieving process, and the more likely (in most instances) an individual will engage in future bond formation with an eye toward avoiding past experiences. honestly communicate/express feelings/work together to resolve inevitable conflicts of sharing life with a partner I’m a woman going through this and am always aware of the behavior I’m modeling for my girls (and hopefully for my sons), and I don’t know the statistics on whether more men leave women due to affairs or vice versa. But the societal acceptance of infidelity that only seems to exacerbate each gender’s role in it needs to change. Everything I am hearing says I should basically ignore this from her and move forward with my aggressive lawyer, who said if she wants half the retirement, she’ll have to file a request for it. (I was just assuming it would go in the agreement.) Also, it’s funny she says she could get child support, because she works 4 nights a week, and our schedule now has me with our 12 year-old those 4 nights, meaning she would pay ME child support. So for you dads trying to fight the good fight, please keep it up. Your daughters need to see that so they won’t end up with all those dreaded “Daddy issues” and your sons need to see how men used to try and hold their families together and that this is something that needs to return to society. I’m not advocating the 50’s model of family and am a firm believer in womens’ rights. Rather that typically each parent brings their strengths to the table and the whole thing starts to wabble and tilt when part of that stabilizing force is removed.Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life is a no-nonsense self-help guide for anyone who has ever been cheated on. Here's advice not based on saving your relationship after infidelity -- but saving your sanity. Our daughter broke her collar bone. I took her to urgent care. He texted me for updates while he sat at home. A friend of mine nailed it this weekend while we were talking about my baby. She asked what ex would do if, in some distant time from now, I met someone and the kids wanted to call him dad. I said I’d get a helmet and telescope, because the debris and pyrotechnics of ex’s head exploding would be seen from space. Even though I have no time/interest in dating now, she brings up a good point. Even if they don’t call him dad, which I’d support, I wonder how it will feel to a narc like him when someone else takes his place as a decent partner for me and decent parent for my little ones…

Our thesis is that the woman who “loses” her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value. When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters - their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. But Tracy Schorn (aka Chump Lady) lampoons such blameshifting and puts the focus squarely on the cheated-upon (chumps) and their needs. Full of solid advice that champions self-respect, Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life offers a fresh voice for chumps who want (and need) a new message about infidelity. This book will offer advice on stupid sh*t cheaters say and how to respond, rookie mistakes of the recently chumped and how to disarm your fears, why chumps take the blame and how to protect yourself, and more. OK, help me out, CN. Here’s the text message I got from her last night: “I wish you hadn’t gone to a lawyer, because now I have to have one. Money. I thought we didn’t have anything to dispute. Now since you left out the retirement acct I guess I need a lawyer. Since I’m not asking for child support do I really need to pay your loans? I could get child support I’m sure, but why don’t I not and you pay your loans? Do we need a lawyer for all this? Point out what’s wrong with your partner. If your issues are called out, refer to what’s wrong with your partner. Repeat.

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Oooh yes! I was the OW and didnt know bc a-hole was separated from her for a year (cheated on her their entire 28 year marriage) and living with a relative. I found out after marriage stbx 53, Im 37 that he lies about everything…his kids, exes, finances, clothes, the sky…anything. He dated 2 women before me and they didnt care, but he lied to me and his family like he was divorced. Our first Christmas, his 21 year old daughter was with his family and I, but didnt say a word. He stays private, so people cant put dates together in their head. This study is great for outlining the stages that women go through. It applies to male chumps too. So rather than skeining I can compare my serial x-cheater to a Tree Shrew… my ex also had some really wonderful qualities. and i loved him so very much. i loved the way he looked, i loved his hair, his eyes, the shape of his mouth, his body, the way he laughed, the sound of his voice, the way he walked/ran/moved, even the way he smelled. Trying to convince you to settle the divorce without an attorney is straight out of the narcissistic cheater’s playbook, too. Not all of them start there but many do–flip to the charm channel, claim that they plan to take the high road and be fair, then claim that you want to waste money on an attorney, implying that your goal is to screw them over. Classic manipulation and blameshifting, all in the hope of maintaining control over you and screwing you over in the process. biodads are over rated. as long as your child has a healthy male role model bio dad means nothing. my children have my wonderful dad. the first born never saw her bio dad and never missed him either. child 2 and 3 only had bio dad for a little while, he was gone before they were 3 and 1 so they also did not miss him. child 4 and 5 had bio dad for years, until they were 8 and 12. he was actually pretty active in their lives, attentive and everything. (when he was home) i thought he was a good daddy (not great but good). my other 3 kids considered him as dad also.

I don't agree with telling the kids. Research shows that this is damaging to the kids. Kids need both parents in their lives. Other than that the rest of the advice is spot on and effective.i hear what you are saying.. .. but what you need to tell yourself is that YOU did not want to live that way. They need both parents to model cooperative and companionable behavior, but if one parent can’t, the other has to fill in those shoes. I got my older son involved with Big Brothers Big Sisters because I recognize how much he needs a positive male role model in his life and that he won’t get that from his dad. Anne, your story reminds me of my father, who caught his first wife cheating. He worked 2nd shift and lived in a 2nd floor apartment with her and their two young boys 1 and 2 (my half brothers). He suspected something was going on and one night before he left for work, he put baby powder down on the stairs to the apartment. He left work early that night and wouldn’t you know it. Men’s footprints were headed up to their apartment.

When I read this article in the news last week, I wanted to fist bump the researchers who put it together. It was something I’ve been trying to tell myself since all this shit happened to the point where it felt like a silly platitude, but it feels good to have it reaffirmed by sience! Hell, I even got a wake up slap from Chumplady when I was debating weather to cut my X off of alimony. She made some very valid points which are the same ones I mentioned above! Mim, Neither one of them are winners no matter how good they are filling sandbags. The fact that a person can SELECTIVELYTypically psychological and relational in nature, this competition may be no less damaging than physical violence more commonly used between males.” Our thesis is that the woman who “loses” her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value”