The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free

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My only very minimal gripe is that I am still scared of some of these...confrontations (because some feel like it). Clearly, this is not the author's or the book's problem, but a sign of areas in which I need to work. However, it would be nice to have some tips on how to build confidence in the area of boundaries for these more difficult conversations. The chapters on workplace boundaries (chapter 3) and setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4) were quite relevant. I also got tons of book recommendations from The Book of Boundaries and am diving into them. A few noteworthy ones are: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky ( Goodreads), Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski ( Goodreads) and Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B. J. Fogg ( Goodreads). I always tell my therapy patients thatboundariescreate trust, comfort, and safety in a relationship, but many people struggle with how to effectively communicate what they need.In The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban helps you identify your boundary needs, offers actionable scripts on what to say, and shares proven tips based on a decade of experience helping people live more freely by holding their limits with confidence.” —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone

I get where Nancy is coming from. We (especially women) are often told that it’s selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries: that setting them feels cold or punitive, like you’re building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren’t walls, they’re fences. And good fences make for good neighbors. Downsides are that the green, yellow, and red light system are somewhat simplistic, particularly in examples, and she doesn't show how altering the situation slightly or your own goals might change the framing of the response. I do appreciate that she notes: A woman named Nancy recently sent me a message on social media: “I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbor has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She’s very nice, and it’s clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say no to her without feeling mean?” Do your relationships often feel one-sided or unbalanced? Are you always giving in just so things will go smoothly? Do you wish you could learn to say no—but, like, nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to establish some boundaries.Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships. Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between what we find helpful and harmful, so people don’t have to try to read our minds. They let us engage in relationships fully and openly, knowing we’ve clearly expressed our limits and made it easier for others to respect our needs. In fact, the best way to preserve a relationship often includes setting boundaries within it. The truth is when someone over steps your limit there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness… and the other that is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, and angry, and resentful. The Book of Boundaries, pg 31 Do your relationships feel one-sided or unbalanced? Do you wish you could say no-nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else's needs above your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're ready to set some boundaries.

Melissa Urban’s latest is the “guidebook” on boundaries a lot of readers will find relevant and useful. It’s written in a manner that is easy to follow, understand and apply but it’s also relatable and enjoyable to read as she shares both personal examples, as well as those of the individuals she worked with. She explains what boundaries are, why they matter and how to set and uphold them in various contexts (from workplace to friends, family and relationships). I truly enjoyed reading this book, in part because it’s obvious this book was written by someone who has done and continues to do the work on themselves and their relationship, as well as someone who thinks deeply about how this book might be experienced from very different perspectives. You’re not being mean when you set boundaries, you’re being kind—to yourself and your relationships. But that doesn’t mean they’re not uncomfortable. Any conflict can be uncomfortable—if your burger comes out rare instead of medium-well, I’m betting at least some of you would just eat it rather than speak up. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable because when we set a boundary, we’re expressing a limit that hasn’t yet been established (while perhaps pointing out someone else’s inconsiderate behavior), and asking if the other person is willing to make an adjustment for the good of the relationship. Squishy boundary: eye roll, deep sigh, ignoring the question, or making a joke about it. Clear boundary: “I’d rather not talk about our bodies or weight today, thanks.” Ch. 5 Relationships We (Mostly) Choose: Setting Boundaries with Friends and Neighbors - This was very enlightening despite the app drama. With the long chapters and heavy topics, I'm hoping to be done by Sunday. You need to ruminate on this one.

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Finally, a dynamic I must recognize and state from the outset: Setting a boundary is an expression of power and a privilege. Without that privilege, you’re likely more fearful of setting a boundary and the truth is, others are less likely to respect it. (That’s how systems of oppression work.)" scripts with language you can use to set boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself Featuring: Drug Addiction, Healthy Foods, Family Drama, Clear is Kind, Unearned Guilt, Horrible Bosses, Boundary Scripts, 🚦, Boundary Alerts, Emotional Vampires, Venting Vs Emotional Dumping, Friendship Breakups, Boundaries in Marriage and Romantic Relationships, Boundaries in the Bedroom, the Boundaries of Others, Boundaries in Action