The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now

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I found this book very helpful. I think anyone in their twenties who don't know what they should do with their life should read this book. To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time. —Leonard Bernstein, composer” As a clinical psychologist, Meg Jay talks about the same conversations she had with one of her clients. They were so anxious about what career step to take, they didn’t take any at all! At twenty men think that life will be over at thirty. I, at the age of fifty-eight, can no longer take that view.

Twentysomethings who don't feel anxious or incompetent at work are usually overconfident or underemployed." (147) Going along with that, the examples she uses all fit the same boring mold - these people are young, attractive, and have SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL iftheycouldonlyseetheerroroftheirways! D:Jay goes as far as to assume that the people who don't go for these particular goals are naturally going to be miserable- if not now, then in their future. She seems to make a distinction between what's worth your time and what isn't but forgets that this is individualistic. Some things I've done in my past that seemed like a waste of time turned out to be life changing while some of the decisions that seemed right were a waste of time (coughs, my fancy internship which looks great on my CV but gave me nothing). You can't know. If you work as a bartender and you're happy, how can she claim that you're making a mistake? Why is her mountain hiking job good but someone's partying is bad? First off, I expected to hate The Defining Decade. Which does beg the question as to why I was reading it, but never mind that. I feared that the book would read like one giant "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" to me, a single, 28-year-old law clerk living at home while I continue the search for a more permanent position. I suspect Dr. Jay would tell me that I am doing a few things "wrong," at least in the sense of not furthering my goals, but I also learned I have probably done at least a few things right. Most importantly, the book offers some guidance as to how to set things right, and it didn't make me feel like I'd run out of time to make changes simply because I'm approaching 30.

Of course it is normal to be afraid of normalcy! (Wait a minute. See, everyone wants to be at least a little bit normal....) An award-winning lecturer, Dr. Jay served as adjunct faculty at Berkeley where she taught Clinical Psychology, Personality Psychology, Social Psychology, and Psychology of Gender. Dr. Jay currently supervises doctoral students in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.

Praise

A deeply honest investigation of what it means to be a woman and a commodity from Emily Ratajkowski, the archetypal, multi-hyphenate celebrity of our time. Some interesting thoughts w/r/t relationships and shaping your personality as your frontal lobe finishes development, but fails to take into account the current employment atmosphere for the work section. It looks like much of her research and most of the examples given were prior to the recession, when it was possible for her to talk with her clients with such ease about "getting the apprenticeship in DC" or one of the other incredibly difficult suggestions she gives for avoiding "hiding" in unemployment. I love this part of the book that says, “Ian was right. That is how it’s done. This is how it starts. Claiming a career or getting a good job isn’t the end; it’s the beginning. And, then, there is still a lot more to know and a lot more to do.”

And, whatever you build for yourself should please you, not your parents. What makes parents happy is seeing their children happy. People in their 20s, in this generation, react worse than normal to negative information. We take it more personally. Especially when it involves criticisms of competence. A “must-read” ( The Washington Post ) funny and practical guide to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams. Read, make mistakes, learn, and grow – all important pieces to the puzzle of mastering your 20s and entering adulthood smoothly with the right information. Success looks incredibly different for different people. It should not be defined by your relationship status, size of your family, level of education, or career choice. People find success in life through doing what brings them joy and creating a life they are proud of. There is no cookie cutter definition.Okay, that last part may be a bit extreme. As a graduate student in a counseling psychology program, Jay, as a clinical psychologist, made me feel like crap. As if I don't already feel the pressure from family and society to get a boyfriend, this book just added to it. I have to say that by the end, I was extremely disappointed in it. I understand the points she is making. It does become harder to establish relationships and have children as you get older. NOW is the time to begin investing in your future life. I get that. I am on my way to that. I think that is a great message that many twentysomethings need. I just feel like the rest of the ideas she touches on sounded condescending and made me feel like I am not where I am supposed to be. It made me feel like "Oh, crap. Have I wasted the last seven years because I haven't worked on perfecting my personality? And as I approach my late twenties, the time I have to cement that personality is slipping away?" I just feel more pressured than before reading this and I don't like it. We all have “unthought knowns.” Things we’ve forgotten about ourselves, but still know under the surface. In context here, Jay is referring to the dreams of who we want to be and what we want to do that get stiffled by “practicality” and our peers. I say it doesn’t always give practical answers because it’s not a formula book. It doesn’t say to do x, y, or z to reach your goal. But Meg does hand-deliver advice that we can ponder and come up with solutions for in our own lives. Sooo….never read one of these before, and I always assumed that the audience of self-help books was composed largely of people who don't actually have what I think of as "problems." And by that I mean self-help books are for people dealing with something that can be dealt with, as opposed to something that can't. The difference between 'I need to learn to be more assertive' and 'my retina tore in half and it's inoperable' (true story). Because my assumption has always been that dealing with things that can be dealt with is a skill that results from all the shit you learn from the things that can't be dealt with.