The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

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The Swimming-Pool Library by Alan Hollinghurst, an erotic and beautifully written novel set in pre-AIDS Britain. Alan Downs, Ph. D is a clinical psychologist. As a gay man himself, he brings a level of understanding to the subject matter that a straight author could not. Relying on personal experience and years of counseling gay men and gay couples, he penned The Velvet Rage to assist men with letting go of shameful feelings about their sexuality they may be unaware of harboring. The ultimate goal of his book is to help gay men embrace a lifestyle that is healthy and fulfilling. In an effort to right those wrongs, and to do my part to promote gay cultural literacy in a time of vanishing gay bookstores and vanishing attention spans, I’ve asked some of the country’s most interesting and iconic LGBT writers—including Michael Cunningham, Edmund White, John Waters, and Patricia Nell Warren—to suggest five books that every LGBT person should have on his bookshelf (or Kindle). my only caveat is to take from it what you will. i think as gay males in our twenties and thirties, we might have a different developmental arc than the gay male generation ahead of us, for which this book seems to be written. however, the fundamental truths still exist and i found them to be very helpful. hour ago Public Corruption Prosecutions Rise Where Nonprofit News Outlets Flourish, Research Finds Study finds prosecutions for corruption rise after a nonprofit news outlet is established within a judicial district. Prosecutions are also more likely in districts where those outlets enjoy greater philanthropic funding.

I didn’t think about it again until a few months later when we had a work event in Soho. I knew that was where London’s gay bars were and, as I’d had a few drinks, I went for a walk to try and find one of them. I knew I couldn’t deny it forever. I went into a bar called the Yard on Rupert Street. The people inside were nearer my age and it felt a bit more relaxed and fun. I’m quite confident socially and I started chatting to people. This groundbreaking and empowering book examines the impact of growing up and surviving as a gay man in a society still learning to accept all identities. China Sourcing Agent: Source any high quality products from China through our partners Fulfillbot ! Special care is given, in this section, to understanding relationship trauma. According to the author, many gay men wish to overcome their feelings of shame to ultimately find a healthy and loving relationship; therefore, the author provides information to guide readers away from dangerous or traumatic relationships.What Downs is pointing to in this book is the numerous ways that those dark, deeply embedded emotions can well up throughout a gay man's life (even in the lives of guys who have been out for decades and who have very seemingly happy, succesful lives) in ways which are destructive both to himself and to those around him. To be sure, this is a hopelessly essentialist view of gay life (more on that in a bit), yet, speaking as a gay man, I found that the early parts of the book, which describe some of the major emotional swings which young gay men move through, to be frighteningly and I mean FRIGHTENINGLY accurate, especially describing what it's like emotionally for most males up to the time when they completely realize they are gay. There were moments when reading this I physically shuddered being reminded of what it's like to be deeply in denial and profoundly closeted, as much to yourself as to the world around you. The first third of this is going to probably be a deeply insightful but also deeply unfun trip down memory lane for most young gay men who read it. Alan Downs, PhD is a clinical psychologist and the bestselling author of seven books. His work is acclaimed internationally and has been published in more than twenty-seven languages. He is a sought-after conference speaker, workshop leader, and frequent media commentator on the psychology of gay men. He has more than 25 years of experience in working with individuals from all walks of life, and is currently in private practice in Los Angeles, California. The window of Alan Downs’s therapy practice overlooks Santa Monica Boulevard and the heart of Los Angeles’s glossy gay ghetto, West Hollywood. The psychologist can stare out at the gay gym he uses and the “very gay” restaurant he dined at the evening before we talk. In the distance is the Hollywood sign. Downs is at the heart of LA’s gay community, yet the book that has made his name completely reassesses the modern gay experience, holding up an unsparing mirror to it. Currently, he consults with individuals and couples in his Los Angeles office as well as over the internet worldwide. In addition to his expertise in working with gay men, he is an intensively trained Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) therapist who has worked with individuals as well as therapists who are seeking to learn the mindfulness, emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills which are so effectively taught within the DBT therapeutic framework. Most recently, Dr. Downs has been quoted in Vogue, The Guardian, and The New York Times.

However—with further reading I realized that Downs��� exploration of some of these tropes (I’d say stereotypes, really) had more to do with his theory that many gay men are plagued with the same challenge of a past rooted in internalized fear and shame. He does a beautiful job of unfolding the way those can affect a person and how they drive us to run from negative feelings and seek external validation. Honestly, I think many people could benefit from the lessons taught in this book, gay or not.

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Want to know what other books made Warren’s list? What follows are the literary favorites of some of our country’s most accomplished LGBT writers. I often felt alienated, baffled or outright annoyed at the stories that Downs leans on. I found a lot of this book read as a lazy, stereotypical portrayal of the gay male experience. Basically every person used as an example is comfortably affluent, has unfailingly good taste, and probably looks/dresses like Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk. I'm disappointed that Downs at no point complicates this image of the gay male experience beyond his own perspective. When gays from small Midwestern towns tell me how cool that must have been, I smile politely and don’t dare tell them I would have gladly traded places. Growing up near the Castro in the 1980s was confusing and occasionally frightening, and it probably delayed my coming out by a few years. “If this is what gay is,” I thought to myself, “then I’m definitely not that.” I’d always known I wanted to work with flowers and plants so I left school at 16 and went to work for a large florist in Victoria. The company was mixed and there were a few older gay guys working there and we’d all often go out for drinks after work. One of those nights, when I was about 18, one of them suggested going to a gay pub up the road called the Vauxhall Tavern. I was nervous, but didn’t want to look homophobic so I went along. Inside, I tried to look comfortable, but I was terrified and couldn’t wait to leave. I just recently finished the book "Boys and Sex" by Peggy Orenstein. Lots of notes, lots of citations, extensive bibliography. THAT is how this book should have been written. I usually take notes in a nonfiction book, yet this read more like 100 small short stories/cases with definite singular answers.

minutes ago The Avoid-Avoid Dance: Overcoming Attachment Fears for Deeper Connection The path to dismantling the avoid-avoid dance isn’t without challenges, yet the reward of a profound, more intimate relationship justifies the effort.Downs outlines how feelings of worthlessness can be created in childhood quite unintentionally, and these lead gay adults to search for an unachievable perfection. The first stage of the author's three-stage model is "Overwhelmed by Shame" and explores the period of time when many gay men remain "in the closet" and keep their sexuality hidden because of fear. He brings to light a powerful correlation between a father's love and a gay man's ability to accept his own sexual identity. This is a must read for 99.99999% of gay men out there. I realize that it won’t resonate for everyone, but so much of it is relatable to my own experience and that of pretty much all of my gay friends.

My brother was the most difficult. He was 13 years older than me and he was my hero growing up. He is a devout Baptist and I thought it might be difficult in case he thought any less of me or stopped me seeing my nephews. I told him in Pizza Hut. I just dropped it into conversation as though it was the most normal thing in the world rather than saying, “I’ve got this big thing to tell you.” I mentioned that I was going on a date with this guy, something as mundane as that. He flinched slightly and that was the biggest reaction I had. He had no issue at all with it. We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. The other day, as we were sitting around the office trying to be thoughtful about trans rights legal guidance for the city, a moment of levity transpired. Someone said that someone else who had been involved in the drafting had said, "Don't LGBTQ people want gender and sex to be conflated?" And without wading into the practical and theoretical morass of that debate, I'm glad we could laugh it off, because though I admire our unfortunately rare moments of solidarity and I hope for more allyship--surely there are few groups more heterogenous than the LGBTQ community! And that is only marginally less true of gay men, a group that has lots in common but, by virtue of our diaspora, so very much that sets our microunits apart from one another.On 9 September 2009 I got really drunk and went to a gay sauna. I can’t remember what happened apart from that I knew I had unsafe sex. Six weeks later I got a bad flu, I had an HIV test and it was positive. I didn’t know how to tell my mum. I was crying and crying, but she knew what was going on because she’s a midwife. It’s frustrating because I have negative feelings about sex and I very rarely have it.