How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7

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Praise generously, but wisely. Be specific and descriptive when doling it out; instead of “You’re a great artist!” try “I like how the zig-zags follow the squiggles — how did you think of that?” Contrived consequences like time-outs and grounding can modify behavior in the short term, but they don’t teach a kid much because you don’t get any buy-in from the kid. It’s a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct.

You want your kids to trust their emotions, so don’t give them a reason to doubt themselves. Why the carrot is making them freak out is much more important than how ridiculous it is that they’re freaking out in the first place. Punishment is a top-down system that demoralizes when what you really want is to enlighten and instruct.

Sometimes we just need someone to listen and nod, not boss us around, or tell us what we’re feeling isn’t the right thing to be feeling.

Make sure you have a short explanation of what the problem is. The problem statement has to be short and touch on how that problem affects you as the parent. Simplicity is key at this stage. The classic business statement is: “I’m not sure we’re asking the right questions, solving the right problem.”

It’s tough to be a little kid. It’s tough to be an adult responsible for that little kid. And it’s really tough to think about principles of communication when the baby’s crying, the toast is burning, the toddler is peeing in the potted plant, and the dog is running away with the diaper. It’s difficult to translate theory into action when you’re in the trenches, under fire. If there is a dispute over who should have control over the remote, for example, don’t make the dispute something you can belittle because it’s important to the child. Tell kids what they can do instead of what they can’t. Example: Instead of saying “Don’t throw sand,” say “Sand is for pouring and digging” (195). I think this is good advice, but I think it’s important to include the information about what the kid should not do: “Sand is for pouring and digging, not for throwing.” If you don’t include the “not for throwing,” then the kid might think it’s still okay to do it.

Lean into the negative feeling, and work with it, not against it.

Julie and Joanna suggest a great third response: agree with my child that the thing is really important. Tell him that I wish I could reach the car seat to retrieve it. Then really get dramatic with it: talk about having a button on the dashboard that I could just push and a hundred of those things would magically appear! And then ask what we could do with a hundred of those things, until my child is so caught up in the fantasy that he has forgotten how much he wants the thing and we get to where we are going safe, sound, and happy. I’ve actually had to do this a number of times since reading the book. My child’s response still amazes me every time! When you get your teeth brushed, then we’ll begin the story.” “When your work is finished, then you can watch go outside and play.” “When,” which implies that you expect obedience, works better than “if,” which suggests that the child has a choice when you don’t mean to give him one. 10. Legs First, Mouth Second

When we demonstrate generosity of spirit by accepting feelings, we help our children become more resilient” My son ALWAYS takes forever to eat his dinner. It’s a constant battle with him. I’m always telling him “Eat another bite of your food.” “Three more bites.” “Why are you taking so long to eat?” “You can’t just drink juice, you need food too.” It’s gotten exhausting. But I used a tool where I was playful with him. I made dinner into a game and said “I don’t think you can eat your potatoes before me!” So then it was whoever could eat their potatoes first. I let him win of course, which made him absolutely thrilled. He also cleaned off his plate, which NEVER happens! And even more astonishing, he even reached for seconds! I had a proud mama moment. One of these is the biological need for recovery time. When we get angry, our bodies are flooded with hormones.” Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.”

1. Accept and Acknowledge Your Kid’s Feelings

Imagine complaining to a friend about something at work and they respond by a) blaming you; b) questioning your reaction; c) offering unsolicited advice; d) offering fake pity; e) psychoanalyzing you — you’d probably be annoyed. So, yeah. Don’t do that to your kid. Documenting considerations, writing things down is sometimes viewed as a liability. In reality, writing things down will help shift your mind off of the consideration and make space for other matters. In negotiations, repeating what your counterparty has just said is a powerful mirroring technique. With a child, writing considerations down = problem solving and it works to calm them.

Give the child choices between two pleasant things that you are okay with, both of which have the end result of you getting what you want (53-57). This one worked for me. All kids want to connect, all kids want to be understood, all kids want a say in what they do and how they do it.”

Defiance

Practical Solutions for Everyday This book is a treasure trove of practical solutions for the everyday challenges parents face. From handling tantrums to navigating bedtime battles, it provides actionable strategies that can be applied immediately, making family life smoother and more harmonious. When your kid does something wrong, instead of getting mad or punishing, ask the kid what to do to fix it (102-103). The problem is that kids often enjoy the fixing as well as the destruction/mess. So there is no incentive for them to not cause the destruction/mess in the future. You can’t go by yourself to the park, but you can play in the neighbor’s yard.” 22. Give Advance Notice Even a two-year-old can learn “please.” Expect your child to be polite. Children shouldn’t feel manners are optional. Speak to your children the way you want them to speak to you. 14. Speak Psychologically Correct This book really is a survival guide. I feel like I can now thrive in life with my child, whereas before this book, it was all just a big struggle.